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FAIRY GODPARENTSThe Bad Touch Trio was just doing what they normally do; walk down the street and sing hideous songs at the top of their lungs.
France always started the song.
"I JUST HATE IT WHEN GIRLS DON'T LET ME POKE THEIR NOSES! I LIKE TO POKE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE SOFT, AND THEY LET ME SMELL ROSES! THE GIRLS ARE JUST HATERS, YEAH YEAH THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE! I'MMA EAT ALL THEIR SANDWICHES AND PAINT ON THEIR CAR!"
Spain continued.
"BABES WHO DON'T LOVE ME, HEY THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSIN'! CUZ WHILE THEY'RE AT THE STORE, IT'S THEIR BOYFRIEND I'M KISSIN'! I BURN ALL OF HER MAKE UP, ME AND HER BOYFRIEND BREAK UP, AND I CLEAN MY UNDERWEAR WIT
Bad Touch Trio saves the elephantEveryone was completely silent. Except for America. He was derpin' about stuff nobody really cares about. Every few minutes, England had to wipe away the drool from a snowflake's armpit. What.
Suddenly, Germany rested his face on the table. He started singing the Pokemon theme song in a chipmunk voice.
Yep, the meeting was completely normal.
And e- SUDDENLY, THE BAD TOUCH TRIO ROSE FROM THEIR SEATS.
"THE PHONE!" France squawked.
"THE PHONE IS RINGING!" Spain mewed.
"The phone, we'll be right there!" Prussia said, running over to the phone.
"The phone, the phone is ringing!" Spain said.
"There's an animal in trouble! There's an
Spain The Explorer - 1Greece fell down an escalator. "OWW." he whimpered.
"Oh no! Greece-san! Are you ok?" Japan asked, running over to him.
"Why yes. Yes, yes yes yes yes I am. Yup yup yup." he said. His ears turned into wings and he flew away. Or, attempted to. He actually just ended up flying into a wall.
Suddenly, Spain fell from the ceiling and he began dancing on Greece's cheek. "DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DORA! DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DORA! DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DORA! DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DORA! BOOTS AND SUPER COOL EXPLORA DORA~"
"GRAB YER BACKPACK." Japan squawked, grabbing Canada's eyelid and swinging him around in circles. Canada made a loud sound that sounded
FOREVERAmerica smashed his face on the table. "MAPLE FLAVORED, YUM." he said.
England was annoyed by this. "Shut your face."
America closed the door on his face. "Oh, sorry, I wasn't aware that it was open."
"That's alright." England said. He continued reading his book. France suddenly popped out of the book, hugging him. "YOU ARE SO KAWAII, ENGLAND. I WANNA HUG YOU AND KISS YOU AND POKE YOUR TOENAILS."
England's eyebrows turned into tiny little Selena Gomez's. "OHHH IT'S MAGIC~" they sang.
France screamed, and flipped backwards onto the table. He flopped around on it like a fish, barking like a dog.
Russia took grabbed a chair and smash
My Sweet AlfredI think it is unfair that I am not allowed to fish for whales on a Sunday.

Whales are my favorite animal. They are very nice pets to keep in your bathtub. They are so cute, and they make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. If I had one as  pet, my life would be complete. I'd name him Alfred and we'd play hide and seek together. We'd also watch videos on YouTube about cats trying to climb up the stairs. Those cats are so cute! But not as cute as a whale.

Along with that, my favorite day of the week is Sunday. It's the best day to go fishing, whether you're fishing for whales or giraffes, both of which natural habitats are in Ohio.

Lake Erie is f
A kawaii ChristmasIt was another perfectly normal meeting.
"AMERRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIICCCCCAAAAA!" England squawked.
America looked up. "Murr?" he whispered.
England glomped him. "I LOVE YOUR SHOELACES." he mewed.
America slapped him. "I HAVE NO SHOELACES. I have man laces."
England folded his hands and sighed. "Oh America...  Sooo  manly and dreamy..."
America suddenly caught on fire and screeched like a chimpanzee.
Russia poured vodka on him and put out the fire.
"Arigato." America said.
"WEABOO." Japan squawked.
"Shut up." America said. He hugged Russia. "I love you desu."
Russia smiled. "Awwwww durr..."
They made out for three hours.
Li
DUUUUUUDE
"DUDE. DUDE. DUDE." America meowed.
"STOP IT." England whispered. "I'M TRYING TO COLOR A PICTURE..."
He was coloring in a Christmas coloring book, but America's whispering of the word "dude" was keeping him from concentrating. America didn't stop. "Dude. Dude. Dude."
England punched him in the face. "STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!" he screeched.
America fell on the floor, and then sat back up on the chair a few seconds later. "Dude... dude. Duuuuude."
England stabbed him in the face with a phone. "STOOOOOOOOOP!"
America suddenly turned into a snowman.
England sighed, and started coloring his picture again.
"...Dude-"
"SHUT. UP."
Grocery Store's Vital RegionsSEIZING THE GROCERY STORE'S VITAL REGIONS

*cue ominous music*

There are two main differences between the Feliciano/Lovino/Matt/Alfred/Ludwig/Gilbert variety of children, and the Antonio/Francis variety of children.

The first is that not one of the Feliciano & Co. variety is a convicted pedophile. (Gilbert's trial is next week.)

The second is that Feli & Co. all have parent-type-things keeping them under control. Antonio, on the other hand, does all his grocery shopping himself.

At the extremely mature (note sarcasm) age of ten.

And, being a totally mature ten-year-old, he was currently occupied racing shopping carts up and down the aisl
INFANT INFANT INFANT OOOH"OMG CHINA, WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG BY HIM?" Russia asked.
"MY FAVORITE SONG IS 'INFANT.' WHAT ABOUT YOU?" China screamed.
"I REALLY LIKE 'ONE DECREASED SOLO FEMALE.' IT'S VERY LOVELY." Russia derp'd.
They suddenly started squealing as Justin walked onto the stage. He shook his hips like da sassy black girl he secretly was. He grabbed the microphone, and banged it on the floor.
Everyone screamed as their ears bled. "JUUUUUUSTIN!"
Justin batted his eyelashes. "I'm sorry~"
The crowd giggled. "We forgive you desu!"
Russia was so happy that he ran onto the stage. "I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN!" he screamed.
A bunch of ceiling fans sta
Spain The Explorer - 2Suddenly, Doitsu jumped in the way, protecting Dora from her death.
His hair floated in the wind as he pushed her onto the ground.
Dora gasped, staring up at him. "Doitsu... You... you saved my life?"
Doitsu slapped her in the face.
"Ow! What was that for?" Dora exclaimed.
Doitsu suddenly became pregnant by a spaghetti noodle. He farted chickens nuggets out of his belly button and flew away.
America gasped, amazed. They had just been saved by the legendary Doitsu!
"That was awesome desu!" Canada's lips flapped.
Russia's nosehairs agreed on this.
Suddenly, Dora rose from the ground. "LEEDLE LEEDLE LEEDLE LEE." she exclaimed m
You smell like salad, Austria"YOU SMELL LIKE SALAD." France screamed in Austria's ear.
Austria's ear started bleeding. "Ugh, France, go away. I'm trying to read."
"WHAT'CHA READIN'?" France asked, leaning closer to Austria.
"Oh, it's an amazing book about a-"
"BREAST MUFFINS." France howled.
Austria stared at him. "What does that even-"
"RAMEN POODLES." France barked. "THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A JAPANESE MAN AND A CHINESE MAN MAKE FOOD TOGETHER."
"Alright, enough of the screaming." Austria said. Blood was squirting out of his ears like there was no tomorrow.
"ONLY IF YOU PROMISE TO MAKE ME SOME ORANGE HAIR." France meowed. "AND MAYBE SOME CHEESE BUBBLES."
Deck The Halls With Questionable MatterCategory: Fanfiction
Fandom(s): Hetalia
Summary: In which Romano is kidnapped, Not Amused, and cunning, and the Bad Touch Trio makes it their mission to spread Christmas "joy". Crack-ish. Giftfic.
Warning(s): Romano's potty mouth. Seriously.

"... do with him?"

"We can't just let him..."

"... keep him here temporarily until..."

Lovino cracked open an eye.

Observation #1: His head pounded as if he'd been forced to spend an entire day listening to that damned Spaniard chatter. (If this was Antonio's fault, there would be violence.)

Observation #2: There was a mop. Its stringy white head dangled above Lovino's face. (The mop pissed him o
Leg hair"Omg  Russia~ Like, look at my outfit~" Poland said in a sexay voice.
Russia looked at his outfit. "That miniskirt is too manly."
"Dang it!" Poland said. "Or maybe I just need to shave my legs."
"I'll shave them for you! The  Russian  way!" Russia said, and he taped Poland to the floor before he could even answer. "Like, ok! What's the Russian way?"
Russia began licking Poland's legs. "Mm. Polish leg hair. I should harvest some and use it  as a substitute for sugar in my tea."
He chopped off some legs hairs and put them in a jar. "Mm! Me and Japan should have tea!"
Japan fell from the ceiling.
"Oh hi Japan!" Russia said. "I was
ITALY'S GONNA SHANK YO FACE
"I'M SO HUNGRY I COULD LICK AN OSTRICH'S SHOELACE." Italy said.
Germany just sat on the couch, reading a romance novel about a chair and a sack of potatoes. He didn't care. HE NEVER CARED.
Japan was eating rubber ducks and drinking paint.
Italy whimpered. "D-don't you guys care that I'm hungry?" he said.
Japan shoved the rubber ducks in his mouth, growling and backing up against the wall. "MY ELASTIC SWIMMING BIRDS!" he barked.
Germany still didn't care.
This made Italy very sad. Nobody cared about his hunger. He sadly walked out the door, sitting on the balcony. He looked at the shining moonlight, and sang a song.
"My friends a
SWITZERLAND, LIECHTENSTEIN, AND THE LADYBUG"ZOMG SWISS!!!" Liechtenstein mewed.
Switzerland screamed, "I HATE YOU. YOU SMELL LIKE SHOELACES."
Liechtenstein crossed her arms. "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
Switzerland threw a dictionary at her. Liechtenstein fell on the floor. She broke through the floor and fell all the way down to the basement.
Switzerland looked at the huge hole. "WHOA. HOW DID YOU GET DOWN THAR?" he squawked.
"A LADDER." Liechtenstein said sarcastically.
"Omg cool." Switzerland said. He suddenly fell down the hole, but was saved by his nosehair getting caught in a nail.
"WOOOOOO!" he screamed, swinging on the no
Browse More Like This

More from ~iamganontheumbreon

I will never stopI promise I won't quit
Even though I'm bleeding
The sight of bone is the exit
To this vicious needing

People stare in shock
At the crime scene on my hands
Sometimes I feel mocked
Because they'll never understand

I don't know of a goal
And I don't think one exists  
This feels extremely dull
But it always insists

I don't notice it  
But sometimes, I do
It could be ended
But I chose not to

The edges are gone
It's just blood now
I'm still not done
I don't think I know how.

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A tale of armpits, pianos, and romantic Austrians

:iconiamganontheumbreon:

Suddenly, BADGERS began shooting out of France's armpits. They made a loud squeaky sound as they hit the floor. France screamed, "SPAIN, SAVE ME!"
Clones of Spain started shooting out of his armpit instead of BADGERS, now. France squawked like a parrot. "SOMEONE HELP ME!"
America flew in the room. "I am a hero, and I will help you, you poor old man!"
France started crying. "I AM NOT OLD!"
America slapped him with a chair. "SHUT UP I AM HELPING YOU."
France shut up.
"Ok, now, to stop making Spains come out of your armpits, all you have to do is this." America said. "Solve my riddle."
France sighed. "Ok, what is the riddle?"
"A dog walks across a street. He has four paws. His eyes are blue. He is seven years old. He is a male. He is a Dalmatian. His nose is black. Now, the main thing to remember, is that he is not a dog. He is a panda in disguise as a dog. This panda happens to be Chinese, like most pandas. Except for the few that are German. The panda crosses the road, and finds a piece of cheese on the ground. Is the cheese cheddar or American?" America said in Japanese.
French tried to put his arms down, but Spains just kept coming out of them. "Um... Cheddar?" he said.
"NO. IT'S AMERICAN. BECAUSE I'M THE HERO!" America said, slapping France with a piece of grass.
Suddenly, clones of Cuba started shooting out of his armpits. France screamed. "WHY DID THAT HAPPEN?"
The clones of Cuba started attacking America. America flew away on a turkey.
France screamed like a little girl.
Suddenly, Russia smashed the door down onto the floor. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, da?"
"CUBAS! CUBAS EVERYWHERE!" France quacked.
Russia poured vodka on France's armpits. The Cubas, Spains, and BADGERS all disappeared. France stared in amazement at Russia. "Russia... How sweet of-"
"I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR FRENCHIE-NESS. GO EAT SOME SNAILS." Russia derp'd.
France's nose turned into a piano and Austria fell from the ceiling. He played on it all. night. long.
Suddenly, France's nose turned into a flute. Austria played that.
France's nose turned into a bread stick. Austria chewed on that.
France's nose turned into a chair. Austria sat on that.
France's nose turned into a nose. Austria picked that.
Then they snuggled together on the floor.
Pasta fell from the sky that night. And everyone missed it because they were too busy chewing on their toenails.

356

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:iconiamganontheumbreon:

A tale of armpits, pianos, and romantic Austriansby ~iamganontheumbreon

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A touching story I wrote one day. It took me quite a while to think of it. This took me years of editing, writing, starting over, and almost giving up, to finally finish. I am quite proud of this, and I think it will go down in history.

Please comment if my work inspired you. I would immensely appreciate it. :heart:
©2012-2013 ~iamganontheumbreon
Category: Fan Art / Fan Fiction / Humor

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January 8, 2012
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:iconkatinkatiger:
~Katinkatiger May 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I am inspired to read more of your stories.
Reply
:iconlala1567:
~lala1567 Apr 5, 2012
............:iconmoistplz:.......................:iconiloveyouplz:
Reply
:iconbullizard:
~Bullizard Jan 12, 2012
Derpazing as always, sexy. :iconrussiaderpplz:
Reply
:iconizfish:
~izfish Jan 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It really inspired me. I... I'm crying from the... SWEETNESS!!! You deserve a nobel peace prize.
Reply
:iconiamganontheumbreon:
~iamganontheumbreon Jan 12, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you. :3
Reply
:iconshinningarceus:
~ShinningArceus Jan 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
XD
OH Austria "played" that did he?
Reply
:iconiamganontheumbreon:
~iamganontheumbreon Jan 10, 2012  Student Writer
Mmmhmmm. :eyes: :iconmhmmplz:
Reply
:icondramaticotaku:
~DramaticOtaku Jan 10, 2012
I somehow knew the cheese would be American...
Reply
:iconiamganontheumbreon:
~iamganontheumbreon Jan 10, 2012  Student Writer
Because it's that awesome.
Reply
:icondeathbycellocase:
~DeathByCelloCase Jan 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
These crackfics make my day a little better. :heart: I salute you.
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